Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
This is Sparta
can’t talk my ride’s here
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names