My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
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DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”