There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.