My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
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We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Simple
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.