My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
This sounds bad:
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for