Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

is it earth

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?