What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
British websites use biscuits.
The glockness monster
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.