Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
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‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
just pretend nothing happened
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies