Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck