waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
What
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
(Gaming support cat.)
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.