“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
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i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.