Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.