Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
You Might Also Like
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it