Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
who will stop them
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.