*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

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I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”


Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%


My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!


‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.


Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.


A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.


When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.


me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?