*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?