*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month