Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My inexpensive home security system…
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings