10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: