10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
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I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
79.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman