I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever