I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.