*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
the worm is coming from inside the brain
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point