My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it