My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t