You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
You Might Also Like
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.