If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
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Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN