speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
PARKOUR
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
rapatouille
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.