Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.