Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
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Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
dictator is short for richard potato
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*Inspirational Tweets*
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.