[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
WHY?!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds