Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
How can I say no to this ?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?