The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.