I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
new year update: losing everything but weight
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*