Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently