I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
We all have our pet causes.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play