Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Become ungovernable.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs