*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
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Me trying to reach for my goals
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.