doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.