Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
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My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked