Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids