My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
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It’s actually Dr. whatever
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.