You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Y’all know who you are.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”