[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
When they try to steal your moment.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.