The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW