british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
We’ve all been there…
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.