I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?