If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Duolingo getting serious.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.