grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal