The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
yes… yes…
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.