In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.