My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Day 2 of my diet
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨