My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
cats when you pet them too long:
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are