@Yankeegiant72

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

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@pauleggleston

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

@TheReal_AndyMac

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

@Breadery

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

@GreenishDuck

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

@BruceForce

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

@GensPlace

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

@bourgeoisalien

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are