… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road


Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.


Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.


*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”


This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.


I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.


Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.


Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are