Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.